15 Years, and I'm Faithfully Grieving

A few months ago, I started seeing a biblical counselor to help me work through difficult health crises I’ve had the past seven years. Actually, my first appointment was on November 22. We have discovered that there are a lot more connections to my brother’s death than just that date. I am still deeply grieving.

In 2019, I was visiting my parents in Austin when my mom and I heard a sermon at their church, All Saints, about Defiant Mourning. In it Pastor Tim expounded on this verse in Matthew 2:18:

“A voice was heard in Ramah,
    weeping and loud lamentation,
Rachel weeping for her children;
    she refused to be comforted, because they are no more.”

Rachel, and the Israelite parents she represents, were righteous in their refusal to give up their grief. When we mourn death, we are proclaiming the Gospel of Christ by declaring that things are not supposed to be this way. And things won’t be this way forever. In our heartache, we long for the day when all things will be made right.

“Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”

- Revelation 21:3-5 (my favorite Bible verses)

I miss my brother immensely. My heart aches to be with him again. I long for my children to know their unique Uncle Marshall. I wish he were here walking in this life with me. I pine for the day when either he comes on the clouds in the Lord’s Army with Christ's return, or I am reunited with him in heaven at my own death.

A good name is better than precious ointment,
    and the day of death than the day of birth.
2 It is better to go to the house of mourning
    than to go to the house of feasting,
for this is the end of all mankind,
    and the living will lay it to heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
    for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
    but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

-  Ecclesiastes 7:1-4

Several well-meaning people have suggested that we “get over it.” “It’s been so long,“ they say, “it’s time for you to move on.” Oh dear no. I will not move on. I refuse to stop grieving my brother’s death. For those who love much, mourn much. Moving on means trying to forget. It means pretending it’s ok that he died. That these things just happen. No! These things are not supposed to happen. And someday they WON’T.

Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

-John 11:35-36

Even Jesus, who was literally about to undo death in a few minutes, deeply grieved the death of Lazarus. We lament even with the resurrection in view. We will never stop remembering Marshall. We will hold all our memories dearly, close to our hearts, and intentionally and regularly remind ourselves of our separation with him.

In these 15 years, God has not forgotten us either. No, He has shown us in big and small ways that He cares. He listens. He hears. He not only knows our grief, but it is honoring to Him. I will recount just a few of these many miraculous “Marshall gifts” He has blessed us with.

About six years ago, there was a family in our homeschool community (Classical Conversations) who had a younger brother named Marshall. He stayed home for the first few weeks, but on the first day when he walked into the room for morning assembly with his mom, he was wearing a moose shirt. Tears streamed down my face. Moose are special to my family. They were Marshall’s symbol. The story goes that when Marshall was born, my dad thought he looked “as big as a moose” compared to when his two older sisters were born. And so the nickname stuck.

We had a family lawn business called Moose Mowers. Marshall and I spent countless hours mowing lawns together, often in the 100° heat. The deal was he would do all the trimming (the harder job since the trimmer was so heavy for our slim teenage frames) and I would do the mowing - and all the talking to customers. Sometimes we would stand on the sidewalk rehearsing what to say before I could gain the courage to knock on the door to collect our payment. I was shy, but Marshall was reticent.

Marshall mowing the Way Back

My second child, my firstborn son, was born the day before Marshall’s spiritual birthday (which we celebrated on his half-birthday). We gave him the middle name Marshall. He loves to build with his hands and figure things out, just like his Uncle Marshall.

Our oldest son loves Legos like his namesake

My husband had a grandfather also named Marshall, so we get to honor both sides of the family with our son’s name.

Grandpa Marshall with our daughter

Two houses down we have a neighbor named Marshall. He's a big DIYer and is always out in his garage working on some project. Across the street moved in a man named Mason.

In 2020, my youngest brother had a son on Marshall’s birthday. Completely spontaneous, natural birth. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Here he is on his first birthday.

Happy Birthday to you both!

I look forward to many more sweet Marshall gifts from the Lord as I walk through this life with Him. And I will be righteously grieving, full of hope, full of faith, until my faith will be made sight.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

- Heidi

8 Year Anniversary - A Note From Mom

By Kristin Hagen

Today I remember a little boy that used to wake me up every morning and say, "Mama? Morning hugs?" Later in the day it would be, "Mama? Afternoon hugs?" And, you guessed it, before bed, "Mama? Evening hugs?" I miss the sweet little voice, and the sweet little hugs.

I was brought to tears of joy, though, this morning when I read Luke 7:13,15, (when Jesus sees a mother who had just lost her son) When the Lord saw her, His heart went out to her and He said, "Don't cry" ... (He raises the son from the dead) and Jesus gave him back to his mother.

I thought also about Philemon 15, "Perhaps the reason you were separated from him for a little while was that you might have him back for good."

I felt like Jesus was telling me that He, personally, will give Marshall back to me when I get to heaven.

"Mama? Eternal hugs?"

8 Year Anniversary - A Note From Marla

By Marla, Marshall's cousin

My reaction to Marshall's death

Hi Uncle Mark and Aunt Kristy,

When I saw you last I told you about the Christmas letter I wrote to family and friends in light of Marshall having been taken to heaven unexpectedly.  I wasn't able to find the exact letter I sent. However, I based the letter off of a journal entry I wrote on 11–24-2006. I think the letter kind of resembled the following. Bear with me, I'm not a great writer, but I wrote from my heart.

"I go through most days out of the year not even thinking about death. It is an uncomfortable topic, no matter what you believe of the afterlife. Two days ago a 20-year-old cousin of mine died in a car accident.

I grieve for the loss of life, the sudden loss of life. The unexpectedness of it. No one saw it coming. No chance for goodbyes (as many times is the case).

For the immediate family, the people who want to see their loved one's face in the morning, I grieve. Their lives have changed and there is an emptiness where there used to be a person.

This morning I woke up, and as I oriented myself to what day of the week it is and the plans I have for the day, I reminded myself that my cousin passed away two days ago and that funeral plans are pending. When the funeral is over and the body of my cousin is in the ground the much anticipated closure will occur (or began to occur) for Marshall's family.

But that's not the end of the story! As I cry tears of sorrow, of empathy mostly for his family, Marshall is already in heaven. There's no waiting period! He's already there! Surely we are on earth here crying for ourselves and our own mortality, because he is already there.

I have a hope. Not everyone has this hope. The hope I have is that what the Bible says is true. And if it is true, the God loves us so much that He gave us His Son, Jesus, and anyone who chooses to believe in Him will not die, but will live forever.

When tragedy hits my life, and I feel like I can hardly stand, I want my faith, my hope, to be the crutches I support myself with."

Every year just before Thanksgiving I remember Marshall and his life and death. And I remind myself that life is a vapor. I want to keep the right perspective on life.

Love from Marla

Birthday Post from Mom

By Kristin Hagen

Today would have been Marshall’s 28^th birthday. I was encouraged by God as I read 1 Samuel 1:28, where Hannah says of the son God gave her, “I have lent him to the Lord.” (ESV) It helped me remember that we will get Marshall back someday. But really, it was God lending Marshall to us for 20 years! Our loved ones are not truly ours - they belong to their Creator. God is very gracious to give us family and friends to love in this short life, but we do not have a right to them.

From the time Marshall was little, I had a very strong impression that he would never marry. I always felt that since he was my first-born son, he was dedicated to the Lord in a special way. (Exodus 13:1) He also always insisted that he did not want to get married . . . until he came home from Iraq and announced that he wanted to start a “wife-fund” – a savings account to accumulate enough to buy a house before he would ask someone to marry him.  (Next time I see him I want to find out if he had anyone in particular in mind!) So I assumed that my “impression” had not been something God had put on my heart . . . until November 22.

I am thankful for the privilege of “lending” my sweet son to the Lord. Oh the joy he must be experiencing! I am also thankful that God has lightened my burden of grief in so many ways, but I think there will always be a longing – still painful at times – for our reunion . . . until Jesus makes everything sad become untrue.

Thinking of Marshall

It seems the things that remind me of Marshall come in waves.  I'm in one of those waves.  It started with my daughter asking to use colored pencils, so I brought out a big red pencil case.  They were Marshall's pencils.  Every single one of them was perfectly sharpened.  Many were only a few inches long and sharpened on both ends.  He was a good artist, very detailed and precise, and of course would never waste any part of a colored pencil.  He would draw scenes to his ever-expanding story and tape sheets of paper together in a long folding packet.  The story included lots of creative vehicles, terrain, and good guys fighting bad guys.

I was listening to dc Talk and of course I cannot NOT listen to that without thinking of Marshall and Mason.  Nu Thang and Free at Last on cassette tape - those were the classics.  Marshall and Mason used to put on backwards hats and do the rap from Luv is a Verb together in the kitchen: "Back in the day there was a man - a man!..."  They were the cutest little white rapper brothers!

I thank God for the one-of-a-kind boy/man He made in Marshall.  I know he was only meant to live 20 years here, but my heart aches for him, in all his unique Marshallness.  I like to look at our "Marshall shelf" in our living room when I'm missing him.  It has the candle with the black ribbon that was at our wedding, my copy of the Marshall memory book, a cross, and a photo of him taken by Michele just days before the accident.  God only meant us to have 20 years with him - just 20 years on this earth, that was his life, completed.

Oh Marshall, my brother, part of me died when you died.  And I am never the same.  None of us are, even 8 years without you.  I can now talk about it with strangers without crying, most of the time, but there is still The Ache that comes at times and never fully goes away.

Happy 20-infinity Birthday, Marshall

In honor of Marshall's earthy birthday today, our family shared thoughts and memories about him through email (since we couldn't all physically be together).  I wanted to share a few of those thoughts here on the blog.

Blanca shared a quote from A Story Unfinished by Matt Monney:

My boss, whose firstborn son Eliot lived for 99 days, recently wrote a book that talks about his family's journey before, during, and after Eliot. He shares some thoughts at the end that encouraged me, and I wanted to share them with you all as well:

"Eternity is not a fantasyland warm fuzzy for me. As a believer, I maintain - with white-knuckled faith that defies my own logic - that heaven is a realm as real as the one I currently occupy. And I do not pretend to understand the dimensions, seemingly obscured by the One who knows. But I know enough; it is where the remaining portion of my yearning soul finds rest.

Jesus Christ has overthrown the power and effects of death.

I await the coming day when I join in the chorus questioning where death's sting has gone. The One who makes beauty from ashes in this world breathes life into ashes in the one to come. On this side we see in pieces the redemption that will one day come in full."

So thankful that there will come a day when we will all be reunited with Marshall and be in the presence of our Lord.

Note from Mom:

I had a "Marshall Moment" the other day. I had not had one for months. I had some errands to run. I had a specific item I wanted to purchase and I thought 2 stores might have it. One was Marshalls. I avoided shopping there for years because it made me sad, but I had gotten to the point I was ok with it - but that day it seemed too sad so I went to the other store. Found nothing so I had to go to Marshalls. Found exactly what I wanted but was starting to feel small waves of grief. The next place I needed to go was Best Buy to get a gift card. No one was at the checkout so I had to go find someone. He called someone else. The checkout guy that came was apologizing profusely for me having to wait but I couldn't say a word. His name was Marshall. It was all it could do not to burst into tears. He probably thought I was upset about waiting, but I couldn't tell him anything. I sat in my car and cried.

These moments still occur but they are rare. I still feel a longing to be with him at times but it is a sweet sadness. :-) I'm amazed at the healing God has done in my heart! I have more joy and contentment than I've ever had in my life. I can truly feel thankful for God summoning Marshall when He did and I love Jesus more now and feel more connected with Him.

I remember a sweet, little blond boy coming into my bedroom early every morning saying, "Mama, it's time for morning hugs." 

I am so thankful for the 20 years we had together. And the foundation of my joy is in the goodness, sovereignty and eternity of my loving Father.

Ursula shared a memory about Marshall at family meals with us on Sundays after church.  She felt comforted when Marshall (and the other boys) listened to her patiently when she shared her heart, even through crying.

"... I remember feeling so loved during times in college when I ate Sunday meals with y'all, and I often cried about something uncontrollably, and everyone (even the boys!) patiently listened to me...I would sheepishly look up, afraid to make eye contact with anyone, but whenever I looked at Marshall (or any of the boys), I was shocked that they were still sitting at the table, quiet. And if I made eye contact with any of them, they didn't give me a face of "oh your so stupid for crying." but just looked at me, with a look of waiting patiently. Being teenage boys (and younger), I figured they were probably dying inside, so wishing to be out playing and done listening to this girl crying, but they still sat there patiently waiting not giving me any kind of crazy look. I can't describe in words what that meant to me. I wasn't looking to be consoled ... yet God used them (and continues to use them) to really minister to my heart. And Marshall in particular stood out to me at the time because he was the oldest and of all the boys was a bit more "rough around the edges" in his personality. And the fact that he just sat there patiently waiting for me ... and not giving me mean looks, even if he was having negative thoughts and not showing them (or if he did make them and God hid them from me, haha!), he just sat and kindly waited, just soothed my heart! I was still embarrassed and hated crying, but my memory of him during those times continues to speak to my heart. To this day, I still feel shocked and loved at how all the boys, but particularly Marshall, would react to me when I cried."

Heidi: I can relate a lot to what Ursula is saying.  Marshall was certainly a patient listener.  He would just stay.  He was present.  Steady, calm, confident.  He never made me feel dumb for crying.  I remember crying after being in a fender bender on the way to school (Regents) and he was so calm through it all.  He wasn't worried about the car, or being late, or me reacting emotionally.  He was just like well, that's that, now let's go to school.  It was good steadiness for my ups and downs.

It is good to remember the boy and man God created and gave to us for 20 years.  I can't wait to meet the new Marshall, and I'm grateful his death makes me meditate on the eternal life we have in Christ Jesus!

I found a few pictures unpacking

Knights Day at Regents

Jumping at the Texas Memorial Museum - That's David M. and Madison on the top

Marshall watching Ben L. (I think?) hula hoop at Knights Day

Another Dream

Yesterday Mom texted me this while she was driving through West Virginia:

"We just passed 2 billboards.  1st one said: Marshall. Best Decision Ever.  2nd one said: After you die, you will meet God. Hebrews 9:27."

As I was praising God with Mom that Marshall was with God, I thought about how much effort it must take to trust God in cases when your loved one did not accept Christ.  It must take a whole lot of faith in God's sovereign and perfect plan to somehow come to terms with the fact that the one you love is in hell - separated from all Good - forever.  And that this is part of God's good and perfect story.  I think believing that would be extremely difficult for me; perhaps God gives special grace to those who must live with knowing that about their friend or family member.

So I guess it's not too surprising that I dreamed about Marshall again last night.  I was at an OB-GYN clinic waiting with a friend or doula client.  She suddenly gave birth right there in the chair, and I caught the baby.  The baby was premature and had hydrocephalus (swelling in the skull that causes an enlarged head).  So we wrapped him in a blanket and got her downstairs and outside to the place where the ambulance would pick her up and take her and her baby to the hospital.

While waiting there on the curb, Marshall walked up next to me, grinning.  He looked exactly the same: young, skinny, tan.  He was wearing that red t-shirt of his with the words across it (nikeathletics I think) and his black trench coat, open.  His hair wasn't Army-buzzed - it was longer and spiky like he used to have it.  My jaw dropped; I couldn't speak right away.  I flung my arms around him and choked out, "Marshall!  Marshall!  But how?  How are you here?!"  And he just smiled.  Then I don't know if we talked or if these were just my thoughts: "But we thought you were dead!"  "Well, I'm alive!  Here I am!"  "Well how did you get here?  What happened?  Why haven't we seen you in all these years?"

My brain was trying to give logic to a story that is completely illogical.

Then I woke up - it was morning - and for that tinniest fraction of a second, I thought it was possible - that it made sense that Marshall could still be alive somewhere and show up in front of a clinic.

I think my mind considers this a possibility because I never got to say good-bye, watch him pass, or see his dead body.  I used to make up all sorts of scenarios about how maybe he really isn't dead and he will come back into our lives in a moment.

I still think of him and cry and long to hug him and see him again, but most of the heart-wrenching, hole-in-my-heart grief is gone, or, more likely, healed over.  This year I have been learning about trusting in God's plan for my life and choosing to believe that ALL of it was/is good - therefore, Marshall's death and its circumstances and timing were good.  Good for him, good for Mason, good for our family, good for every person.  I still don't see HOW it was good, but I believe it was/is.  Once I believe it is good it doesn't stop there - it's not a one-time thing.  It's a continual believing that I believe God is who He says He is and that I can have peace and joy that everything that happens has a good purpose for my life and is God's great plan.  The ladies who are taking the Beth Moore Believing God study with me will find this very familiar.  I believe these things because God says so in His Word; therefore, I must believe it.  After I force myself to believe it, I experience such a weight lifted from me that I wonder why I didn't believe it all along!  (Because someone doesn't want us to).

Thanks for reading,

Heidi

Matthew 10:28-29:

28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.

Matthew 25:41-46:

41 “Then He will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ... ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

John 3:36:

36 Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.

John 3:17:

17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.

God desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:4).

What the Bible says about Hell

I saw this when searching for the Marshall heading above.

6 Years

Some photos from our visit to the grave site on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 22.

I miss him very much but this year I felt more peace at the cemetery than ever.  We walked around and looked at other graves.  When Marshall's body was first buried it was at the edge of the cemetery surrounded by an open field.  Now the field is almost filled with graves.  Death is all around us.  People die all the time.

The righteous perish,
    and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
    and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
    to be spared from evil.

Those who walk uprightly
    enter into peace;
    they find rest as they lie in death.
- Isaiah 57:1-2

Happy Birthday, Marshall

I turned on the radio on my way to the grocery store a few days ago and "In the Secret" was playing.  I started weeping and cried all the way to the store and sat in the parking lot.  You may remember that was a special song to Marshall as he sang it at a church in Iraq.  We played it at his funeral and I included it as one of the songs in his slideshow.  So I can't listen to that song without thinking of him.  It's so fitting that Marshall liked that song because it talks about dark, quiet, and secret places and there God is.

In the secret
in the quiet place
in the stillness
You are there.

In the secret,
in the quiet hour I wait
only for You
‘cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You.
I want to hear Your voice.
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You.
I want to see Your face.
I want to know You more.

When I sing it I think of both God and Marshall.  Yes, I want to see God and know Him more, but I also think of when we will get to see Marshall again.  Because I lived 20 years with him on this earth, I remember what it is like to be with him physically.  We don't (typically!) see God, or feel Him, or audibly hear Him, and it's sometimes harder for me to long for that although I still do.  But my longing for Marshall is based in memories of reality - I had it once.  I want it again.  My heart aches and aches just to be with him again.  Just to sit next to him in the car - even in silence - and be together.  That's what I loved about our relationship - we didn't have to talk, we were just there together.

My two-year-old Tirzah knows where her Uncle Marshall is.  She first learned about death when a bug got caught between our window and the screen and couldn't climb back out the hole.  We watched it struggle for a few days, and then it died.  That was months ago, and it's still there.  Every now and then Tirzah goes up to the window and says "dead bug."  I asked Tirzah where Uncle Marshall is and she said, "He's in heaven with Jesus."  She likes to play with her moose and she knows it was Uncle Marshall's moose.  She sometimes takes naps with it.  One time she wanted to take it on a walk and somehow it fall out of the stroller.  Someone behind us on the sidewalk ran up to me and said, "I think you dropped this!"  I grabbed it tightly and said, "THANK YOU!"  It doesn't go on walks with us anymore!

So, what can I say.  Today Marshall would have been 26.  I'm 27.  I wonder if they do anything special for earthly birthdays in heaven, any way to commemorate them.  I've been reading about David's mighty men in Kings and Chronicles and of course it makes me think of Marshall.  I looked at his myspace profile again today and it's so weird and kind of funny how much he talks about killing in his profile.  Now before anyone freaks out and thinks Marshall was a psychopath, he was kind of extreme in talking about wanting to kill people, but he's not talking about just killing ANY one.  He wanted to be an instrument of justice and kill bad people, people who needed to be killed but maybe no one else was doing it.  (And maybe he liked the shock and reaction he got when he would say things like that because it seemed so opposite his quiet, gentle nature?)   He was a warrior inside.  I wonder who he's fighting with now.  Family and friends who knew him, do you have any more insight into his part of him?

2002

May 2003 - My high school graduation

Summer 2003 - driving on our family vacation in Ohio

Thanksgiving Day, 2003

Chilling after a family soccer game, Nov. 2003

2004-08-12 Graduation from Basic Training in OK